The Jokes-Topic

Discussie in 'De Non-Modelbouwkroeg' gestart door ron van sommeren, 4 jan 2018.

  1. ron van sommeren

    ron van sommeren Forum veteraan

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    One dark night outside Mundare, a small town East of Edmonton, Alberta, a fire started inside the local sausage plant and in a blink it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments from miles around. When the local volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the sausage company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved and I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact." But the roaring flames held the firefighters off.

    Soon more fire departments from surrounding towns had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company's secret files. Then, from a distance, a lone siren was heard as one more fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby Smoky Lake rural township volunteer fire department composed mainly of Ukrainians over the age of 65. To everyone's amazement, the little run-down fire engine, operated by these Ukrainians, passed all the newer sleek engines parked outside the plant and drove straight into the middle of the inferno.

    Outside, the other firemen watched as the Ukrainian old timers jumped off and began to fight the fire from the inside with a performance and effort never seen before. Within a short time, the Smoky Lake old-timers had extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas.

    The grateful sausage company president joyfully announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave, though elderly, Ukrainian firefighters. The Edmonton TV news reporters rushed in after capturing the event on film, asking, "What are you going to do with all that money?"

    " Vell," said Nick Sputski, the 70-year-old fire chief, "da furst thing vee gonna do is fix da brakes on dat focking trock."
     
  2. ron van sommeren

    ron van sommeren Forum veteraan

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    Geen idee of het een grap is.
    (Uit WHY is all this crap in MM??? - RCG)

    The Space Shuttle and the Horse's Rear End

    Say friend, did you know that the US Standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8 1/2 inches.
    That's an exceedingly odd number. Why was that gauge used?
    Because that's the way they built them in England, and the US railroads were built by English expatriates.

    I see, but why did the English build them like that?
    Because the first railway lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.
    Well, why did they use that gauge in England?

    Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.
    Okay! Why did their wagons use that odd wheel spacing?

    Because, if they tried to use any other spacing the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads. Because that's the spacing of the old wheel ruts.
    So who built these old rutted roads?

    The first long distance roads in Europe were built by Imperial Rome for the benefit of their legions. The Roman roads have been used ever since.
    And the ruts?

    The original ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagons, were first made by the wheels of Roman war chariots. Since the chariots were made for or by Imperial Rome they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing.

    Thus, we have the answer to the original question. The United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8 1/2 inches derives from the original specification for an Imperial Roman army war chariot.

    And the motto of the story is:
    Specifications and bureaucracies live forever.

    So, the next time you are handed a specification and wonder what horse's ass came up with it, you may be exactly right. Because the Imperial Roman chariots were made to be just wide enough to accommodate the back-ends of two war-horses.
    So, just what does this have to do with the exploration of space?

    Well, there's an interesting extension of the story about railroad gauge and horses' behinds. When we see a Space Shuttle sitting on the launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are the solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. The SRBs are made by Thiokol at a factory in Utah. The engineers who designed the SRBs might have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad from the factory runs through a tunnel in the mountains. The SRBs had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than a railroad track, and the railroad track is about as wide as two horses' behinds.

    So a major design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was originally determined by the width of a horse's ass.
     
    Laatst bewerkt: 4 jan 2018
    Mark-013 en strutter vinden dit leuk.
  3. ron van sommeren

    ron van sommeren Forum veteraan

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    Geen grap.

    In the post war period the US began developing their own design for an ICBM, independent o f the army's Operation Paperclip program testing and evaluation of the captured German V2, and the development of the IRM Redstone (a reshaped V2).

    An early, development prototype was designed and built by Consolidated Vultee - the MX774 (= RTV-A-2_Hiroc (wiki)). It had many innovative features (gimballedd motors for thrust hectoring, and thin walled, balloon tank/airframe construction, among others) that were later used on the Atlas missile. But it used the fin shape from the German V2.

    It was the early days of supersonics and the engineers figured the Germans must have used that shape for aerodynamic reasons. When one of the German, Paperclip engineers saw the MX774, he asked, "Why did you use that fin shape?"
    "Because we figured you Germans must have found it to be an optimal shape."
    The German just laughed and said, "We picked the shape because the missiles had to be transported through mountain tunnels."
     
    Laatst bewerkt: 6 jan 2018
  4. ron van sommeren

    ron van sommeren Forum veteraan

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    Het komt uit dit boek over oude eenheden, en waarom ze eigenlijk helemaal niet zo gek waren/zijn:
    www.goodreads.com/book/show/1103525.About_The_Size_Of_It
     
    Laatst bewerkt: 7 jan 2018
  5. ron van sommeren

    ron van sommeren Forum veteraan

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    Bob left work one Friday evening. But it was payday, so instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with his mates and spending his entire wages.

    When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"

    He replied, "That would be fine with me."

    Monday went by and he didn't see his wife.

    Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.

    But on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
     
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  6. ron van sommeren

    ron van sommeren Forum veteraan

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    Assassin interviews

    The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists; two men and a woman.
    For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
    "We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!"
    The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."
    The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job."
    The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
    The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
    Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room.
    Shots were heard, one shot after another. The agents heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman.
    She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said, "This gun is loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair."
     
  7. ron van sommeren

    ron van sommeren Forum veteraan

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    An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
    He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
    After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?".

    The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

    In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

    1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

    2. The bouncer is a blonde girl with a 'Billy-Club'.

    3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

    4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.

    5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

    'Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy ... do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?".


    The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, "No ... not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."...
     
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  8. ron van sommeren

    ron van sommeren Forum veteraan

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    Uit het Wattflyer Humor subforum.

    Old folks


    Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember ..

    Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
    'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
    'Sure..'
    'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?'
    she asks.
    'No, I can remember it..'
    'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'

    He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
    'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?'
    she asks.
    Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'

    Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes,The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.. She stares at the plate for a moment.
    'Where's my toast ?'

    ---

    An elderly couplehad dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
    The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great.. I would recommend it very highly.'
    The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
    The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?. You know.... The one that's red and has thorns.'
    'Do you mean a rose?'


    'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

    ---

    Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
    After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
    On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

    'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'

    ---

    A senior citizensaid to his eighty-year old buddy:
    'So I hear you're getting married?'
    'Yep!'
    'Do I know her?'
    'Nope!'
    'This woman, is she good looking?'
    'Not really.'
    'Is she a good cook?'
    'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
    'Does she have lots of money?'
    'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
    'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
    'I don't know.'
    'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'

    'Because she can still drive!'


    ---

    A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art.. It's perfect.'
    'Really,'
    answered the neighbor, 'What kind is it?'
    'Twelve thirty.'.


    ---

    Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
    A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
    A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
    Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'
    The doctor said, 'I didn't say that ... I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'

    ---

    A little old manshuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.
    After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
    The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
    'No,'
    he replied, 'arthritis.'

    695
     
    Laatst bewerkt: 13 sep 2018
    brutus en Mark-013 vinden dit leuk.
  9. ron van sommeren

    ron van sommeren Forum veteraan

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    Great thruths that little children have learned.
    1. No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
    2. When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
    3. If your sister hits you, don't hit her back.
      They always catch the second person.
    4. Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
    5. You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
    6. Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
    7. Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
    8. You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
    9. Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
    10. The best place to be when you're sad is Grandma's lap.

    Great thruths that adults have learned.

    1. Raising teenagers is like nailing Jello to a tree.
    2. Wrinkles don't hurt.
    3. Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
    4. Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
    5. Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
    6. Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fibre, not for the toy

    Great thruths about growing old.
    1. Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
    2. Forget the health food -- I need all the preservatives I can get.
    3. When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
    4. You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
    5. It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
    6. Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
    7. Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
    773
     
  10. ron van sommeren

    ron van sommeren Forum veteraan

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    A lonely widow decided that it was time to marry again. She put an ad in the local newspaper that read: “Husband wanted! Must be in my age group, must not beat me, must not run around on me and must still be good in bed. All applicants please apply in person.”

    The following day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.

    You’re not really asking me to consider you, are you?” the widow asked: “Just look at you — you have no legs!
    The old gent smiled: “Therefore, I cannot run around on you!

    You don’t have any arms either!” she snorted.
    Again, the old man smiled: “Therefore, I can never beat you!

    She raised an eyebrow and asked intently: “Are you still good in bed?
    The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said: “I rang the doorbell, didn’t I?”
     
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  11. ron van sommeren

    ron van sommeren Forum veteraan

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    Thinking back, I remember going through hurricane Irma in Florida. I was ready for it, but my wife was not!

    When the wind reached its full screaming pitch, with the trees snapping and threshing, the horizontal streaming rain, tin roof panels and destroyed fences flying by, as well as the unnerving sound-levels, my wife was rooted to the spot.
    She stared and stared through the glass of the window, unmoving, with her nose pressed to the windowpane. The look of stark fear in her eyes will stay with me forever.

    Fortunately, as the eye of the storm arrived and the winds temporarily lessened, I was able to open the door and let her in.
     
  12. ron van sommeren

    ron van sommeren Forum veteraan

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    Three bulls are all living on a farm very happily. One day the farmer came home and stated that he had just bought a new bull at the auction and that he would be arriving soon. Well this would disrupt the society that the bulls had established amongst themselves, so they decided to have a meeting.

    The first bull says, "I have been here 5 years and we have established a nice community of cattle. We have divided the 100 cows between us so that each of us are happy. I am not going to give this new guy any of my cows."
    The second bull says, "I have been here 3 years and I have me 50 cows. I feel that I can take care of these cows just fine. I am not giving this new guy any of my cows. He is going to have to get his own."
    The third bull says, "I have only been here a year, but you guys have treated me really well. You were nice enough to give me 10 of your cows and for that I am really thankful to you guys. Since I only have 10 cows I am not going to give this new guy any of my cows. He is on his own."

    With it decided that no cows were going to be given to the new bull, the meeting was adjourned just as a tractor-trailer pulled onto the farm. The driver dropped the ramp of the trailer to let this new bull out. Off the truck came the biggest bull anyone had ever seen. The ramp bent underneath the massive weight of this bull. He weighed in at 4700 pounds. The ground shook with every step he took.

    The first bull looked at the other two and said, "Well on second thought, we might as well be neighborly to this new guy. He looks like he is pretty cool. I think I will let him have a some of my cows."
    The second bull says, "You know, on second thought I really don't think I can take care of all 50 of my cows. I think I will let this new guy have some. He looks nice enough."
    The first and the second bull look at the third bull. The third bull has his head down and he is scraping the ground fixing to charge the new bull. The first bull says, "Now son, I know you are still young and you want to protect your cows, but are you sure your 10 cows are worth you losing your life?" The third bull says, "Oh no, he can have ALL my cows. I am just making sure he knows I am a bull!"
     
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  13. ron van sommeren

    ron van sommeren Forum veteraan

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    A man was walking along the beach and found a bottle. He looked around and didn't see anyone so he opened it. A genie appeared and thanked the man for letting him out. The genie said, "For your kindness I will grant you one wish, but only one.". The man thought for a minute and said, "I have always wanted to go to Hawaii but have never been able to because I'm afraid of flying and ships make me claustrophobic and ill. So, I wish for a road to be built from here to Hawaii.".

    The genie thought for a while and said, "No, I don't think I can do that. Just think of all the work involved with the pilings needed to hold up the highway and how deep they would have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean. Think of all the pavement that would be needed. No, that is just too much to ask."

    The man thought for a minute and then told the genie, "There is one other thing that I have always wanted. I would like to be able to understand women. What makes them laugh and cry; why are they temperamental; why are they so difficult to get along with? Basically, what makes them tick?".

    The genie considered for a few minutes and said, "So, do you want two lanes or four?"
     
  14. ron van sommeren

    ron van sommeren Forum veteraan

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    I would like to share a personal experience with my friends about drinking and driving. This might save you the cost and embarrassment of being arrested for DUI.
    As you know, people have been known to have unexpected brushes with the authorities from time to time, often on the way home after a "social session" with family or friends. Well, this year, it happened to me.
    I was out for the evening to a party and had more than several margaritas coupled with a bottle of rather nice red wine. It was held at a great Mexican restaurant.
    Although relaxed, I still had the common sense to know I was slightly over the limit. That's when I did something I've never done before ... I took a taxi home. On the way home there was a police roadblock, but since it was a taxi they waved it past and I arrived home safely without incident. These roadblocks can be anywhere and I realized how lucky I was to have chosen to take a taxi.
    The real surprise to me was I had never driven a taxi before. I don't know where I got it, and now that it's in my garage I don't know what to do with it.
    If you want to borrow it, give me a call.

    1139
     
    Laatst bewerkt: 5 nov 2018
  15. ron van sommeren

    ron van sommeren Forum veteraan

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    Was standing at the bar at the VFW one night minding my own business. This FAT ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my behind and said, "You're kinda cute. You gotta phone number?"
    I said, "Yeah, you gotta pen?"
    She said, "Yeah, I got a pen".
    I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you."
    Cost me 6 stitches........but, when you’re over seventy, who cares?


    I went to the drug store and told the clerk "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."
    Lady Clerk: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?”
    I said "Nah... She's purty good lookin'........."
    when you’re over seventy, who cares?


    I was talking to a young woman in the VFW last night.
    She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right.”;
    I said, “If I did that, I'd be talking to your friend over there instead of you.”
    Cost me a fat lip, but.........
    when you’re over seventy, who cares?


    I got caught urinating in the swimming pool today.
    The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.
    When you’re over seventy, who cares?


    I went to our VFW last night and saw a BIG woman dancing on a table.
    I said, "Good legs."
    The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so?"
    I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."
    Cost me 6 more stitches, but.....when you’re over seventy, who cares?

    1165
     
  16. ron van sommeren

    ron van sommeren Forum veteraan

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    Ole and Sven were drinking buddies who worked as aircraft mechanics in Minneapolis and one day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.
    Ole said, "I vish 've had somethin ta drink!"
    Sven says, "Me too. Y'know, I hear ya can drink dat jet fuel and get a buzz. Ya vanna try it?"
    So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and got completely smashed.
    Next morning Ole woke up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing!
    The phone rang. It was Sven who asks "How iss you feelin' dis mornin'?"
    Ole says, "I feel great. How 'bout you?"
    Sven says, "I feel great, too. Ya don't have no hangover?"
    Ole says, "No dat jet fuel iss great stuff -- no hangover, nothin'. Ve oughta do dis more often."
    Sven agreed."Yeah, vell, but dere's yust vun ting."
    Ole asked, "Vat's dat?"
    Sven questioned, "Haff you farted yet?"
    Ole stopped to think. "No "
    "Vell, DON'T, 'cause I'm in Iowa."
     

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