The Jokes-Topic

Discussie in 'De Non-Modelbouwkroeg' gestart door ron van sommeren, 4 jan 2018.

  1. ron van sommeren

    ron van sommeren Forum veteraan

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    31 aug 2002
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    One dark night outside Mundare, a small town East of Edmonton, Alberta, a fire started inside the local sausage plant and in a blink it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments from miles around. When the local volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the sausage company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved and I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact." But the roaring flames held the firefighters off.

    Soon more fire departments from surrounding towns had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company's secret files. Then, from a distance, a lone siren was heard as one more fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby Smoky Lake rural township volunteer fire department composed mainly of Ukrainians over the age of 65. To everyone's amazement, the little run-down fire engine, operated by these Ukrainians, passed all the newer sleek engines parked outside the plant and drove straight into the middle of the inferno.

    Outside, the other firemen watched as the Ukrainian old timers jumped off and began to fight the fire from the inside with a performance and effort never seen before. Within a short time, the Smoky Lake old-timers had extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas.

    The grateful sausage company president joyfully announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave, though elderly, Ukrainian firefighters. The Edmonton TV news reporters rushed in after capturing the event on film, asking, "What are you going to do with all that money?"

    " Vell," said Nick Sputski, the 70-year-old fire chief, "da furst thing vee gonna do is fix da brakes on dat focking trock."
     
  2. ron van sommeren

    ron van sommeren Forum veteraan

    Lid geworden:
    31 aug 2002
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    Locatie:
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    Geen idee of het een grap is.
    (Uit WHY is all this crap in MM??? - RCG)

    The Space Shuttle and the Horse's Rear End

    Say friend, did you know that the US Standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8 1/2 inches.
    That's an exceedingly odd number. Why was that gauge used?
    Because that's the way they built them in England, and the US railroads were built by English expatriates.

    I see, but why did the English build them like that?
    Because the first railway lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.
    Well, why did they use that gauge in England?

    Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.
    Okay! Why did their wagons use that odd wheel spacing?

    Because, if they tried to use any other spacing the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads. Because that's the spacing of the old wheel ruts.
    So who built these old rutted roads?

    The first long distance roads in Europe were built by Imperial Rome for the benefit of their legions. The Roman roads have been used ever since.
    And the ruts?

    The original ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagons, were first made by the wheels of Roman war chariots. Since the chariots were made for or by Imperial Rome they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing.

    Thus, we have the answer to the original question. The United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8 1/2 inches derives from the original specification for an Imperial Roman army war chariot.

    And the motto of the story is:
    Specifications and bureaucracies live forever.

    So, the next time you are handed a specification and wonder what horse's ass came up with it, you may be exactly right. Because the Imperial Roman chariots were made to be just wide enough to accommodate the back-ends of two war-horses.
    So, just what does this have to do with the exploration of space?

    Well, there's an interesting extension of the story about railroad gauge and horses' behinds. When we see a Space Shuttle sitting on the launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are the solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. The SRBs are made by Thiokol at a factory in Utah. The engineers who designed the SRBs might have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad from the factory runs through a tunnel in the mountains. The SRBs had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than a railroad track, and the railroad track is about as wide as two horses' behinds.

    So a major design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was originally determined by the width of a horse's ass.
     
    Laatst bewerkt: 4 jan 2018
  3. ron van sommeren

    ron van sommeren Forum veteraan

    Lid geworden:
    31 aug 2002
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    Geen grap.

    In the post war period the US began developing their own design for an ICBM, independent o f the army's Operation Paperclip program testing and evaluation of the captured German V2, and the development of the IRM Redstone (a reshaped V2).

    An early, development prototype was designed and built by Consolidated Vultee - the MX774 (= RTV-A-2_Hiroc (wiki)). It had many innovative features (gimballedd motors for thrust hectoring, and thin walled, balloon tank/airframe construction, among others) that were later used on the Atlas missile. But it used the fin shape from the German V2.

    It was the early days of supersonics and the engineers figured the Germans must have used that shape for aerodynamic reasons. When one of the German, Paperclip engineers saw the MX774, he asked, "Why did you use that fin shape?"
    "Because we figured you Germans must have found it to be an optimal shape."
    The German just laughed and said, "We picked the shape because the missiles had to be transported through mountain tunnels."
     
    Laatst bewerkt: 6 jan 2018
  4. ron van sommeren

    ron van sommeren Forum veteraan

    Lid geworden:
    31 aug 2002
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    Het komt uit dit boek over oude eenheden, en waarom ze eigenlijk helemaal niet zo gek waren/zijn:
    www.goodreads.com/book/show/1103525.About_The_Size_Of_It
     
    Laatst bewerkt: 7 jan 2018
  5. ron van sommeren

    ron van sommeren Forum veteraan

    Lid geworden:
    31 aug 2002
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    Bob left work one Friday evening. But it was payday, so instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with his mates and spending his entire wages.

    When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"

    He replied, "That would be fine with me."

    Monday went by and he didn't see his wife.

    Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.

    But on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
     
    ruudxd, Jinny, Henri Kaper en 1 andere persoon vinden dit leuk.
  6. ron van sommeren

    ron van sommeren Forum veteraan

    Lid geworden:
    31 aug 2002
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    28.117
    Locatie:
    Tussen Tiel & Nijmegen, tussen Maas & Waal (NL)
    Assassin interviews

    The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists; two men and a woman.
    For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
    "We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!"
    The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."
    The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job."
    The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
    The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
    Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room.
    Shots were heard, one shot after another. The agents heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman.
    She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said, "This gun is loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair."
     
  7. ron van sommeren

    ron van sommeren Forum veteraan

    Lid geworden:
    31 aug 2002
    Berichten:
    28.117
    Locatie:
    Tussen Tiel & Nijmegen, tussen Maas & Waal (NL)
    An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
    He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
    After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?".

    The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

    In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

    1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

    2. The bouncer is a blonde girl with a 'Billy-Club'.

    3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

    4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.

    5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

    'Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy ... do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?".


    The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, "No ... not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."...
     
    ruudxd vindt dit leuk.

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