Enkele luchtvaartgerelateerde :
Lufthansa(in German): Ground, what is our start clearance time?
Ground(in English): If you want an answer you must speak English.
Lufthansa(in English): I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?
Unidentified English accent(before ground could answer): Because you lost the bloody war!!
O'Hare Appr: United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, 3 miles, eastbound.
United 329: Approach, I've always wanted to say this: I've got the Fokker in sight!
Unknown Aircraft: I'm fucking bored!
ATC: Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!
Unknown Aircraft: I said I was fucking bored, not fucking stupid!
The pilot of a small freight/mail plane was getting a little complacent in his radio phraseology, probably because of the rather dull routine of his late-night run. Every weekday at about 2:00 a.m. he would stop at a small airport and check in with, "Jones Field, good morning. Guess who?"
The lone controller was bored too, but insisted on proper terminology and would lecture the pilot on proper radio technique every morning. The lessons fell on deaf ears and the pilot continued his daily "Guess who?" callups. That is, until the morning the radio crackled, "Guess who?" once too often.
The controller, well prepared, turned off all the lights on the airport and responded, "Jones Field, guess where!" The freight pilot's radio procedures were impeccable from then on.
DFW Tower: "Lonestar 189, clear to land 18R, wind calm."
Lonestar: "Roger, cleared to land 18R."
Lonestar (a few moments later): "Tower, we hit something."
DFW Tower: "You did WHAT?!!"
Lonestar: "We hit a small animal or something on the runway. You know, some sort of road kill or something."
DFW Tower: "UPS 31 Heavy, be advised that traffic that just landed ahead of you on runway 18R reports hitting some sort of roadkill."
UPS 31: "That's allright, we'll flatten it out a little bit for ya!"
(Transmission as a DC-10 rolls out long after a fast landing...)
San Jose Tower: American 751 heavy, turn right at the end if able. If not able, take the Guadalupe exit off of Highway 101 back to the airport.
On one particular flight the pilot had hammered his plane into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, give a smile, and a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." In light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment, but no one seemed annoyed. Finally everyone had gotten off except for one little old lady walking with a cane. She approached and asked conspiratorially, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?"
"Why no Ma'am, what is it?"
"Did we land or were we shot down?"
A helicopter was in a holding pattern at an altitude of 3000 feet over the Cubla beacon, which is an electronic navigation aid. Helicopter pilot to Approach Control: "Affirmative, I'm holding at 3000 over Cubla beacon."
Second voice, also on the same frequency: "NO! You can't be doing that! I'm holding at 3000 over that same beacon and at the same altitude, too!" Brief pause, then the first pilot's voice again(loudly): "You idiot, you're my co-pilot!!"
One day, the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it yourself?" Our hero the Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like that and I'll have enough parts for another one."
Two airline mechanics were working on a 747 when lunchtime came. Rather than leave what they were doing, they just took their lunchbreak while sitting in the cockpit. While they were eating lunch, one mechanic bet the other that the landing gear would not retract if he pulled the gear lever up.
He lost the bet.
Squawk sheets are maintenance forms filed by the flight crews to
inform the maintenance crews of problems with the aircraft.
Problem: "Knocking/tapping sound coming from under the cargo
compartment floor sounds like a little man with a hammer"
Mechanic's reply: "Found little man, took away hammer."
Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."
Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."
Problem: "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough."
Solution: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft."
Problem #1: "#2 Propeller seeping prop fluid."
Solution #1: "#2 Propeller seepage normal."
Problem #2: "#1,#3, and #4 propellers lack normal seepage."
Problem: "The autopilot doesn't." Signed off: "IT DOES NOW."
Problem: "Something loose in cockpit."
Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit."
Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear."
Solution: "Evidence removed."
Problem: "Number three engine missing."
Solution: "Engine found on right wing after brief search."
Problem: "DME volume unbelievably loud."
Solution: "Volume set to more believable level."
Problem: Dead bugs on windshield.
Solution: Live bugs on order.
Problem: Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent.
Solution: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
Problem: IFF inoperative.
Solution: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
Problem: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
Solution: That's what they're there for.
Problem: Target Radar hums
Solution: Reprogrammed Target Radar with the lyrics
Taxiing down the tarmac, a jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour long wait, it finally took off.
A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?"
"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," he explained.
"So it took an hour to fix the problem?" she asked.
"No," he replied, "It took us an hour to find a new pilot."
One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner were seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so they could get under way. The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane, and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind. The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle, and the copilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with huge sunglasses. At first the passengers do not react; thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. However, after a few minutes the engines start revving and the airplane starts moving down the runway.
The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among themselves and looking desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance. Then, the airplane starts accelerating rapidly and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical.
Finally, when the airplane has less than 20 feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once, and at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is airborne. Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to the pilot, You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we're gonna get killed!
A flight attendant is on the red-eye to Manila when a water leak develops in the galley, which eventually soaks the carpet throughout the aft cabin of the 747. A very sleepy woman who becomes aware of the dampness tugs at the attendant's skirt as she passes by. "Has it been raining?" she asks the flight attendant. Keeping a straight face, she replies, "Yes, but we put the top up."
With a sigh of relief, the woman then goes back to sleep.
Santa Claus, like all pilots, gets regular visits from the Federal Aviation Administration. The FAA examiner arrived for the pre-Christmas flight check.
In preparation, Santa had the elves wash the sled and bathe all the reindeer. Santa got his logbook out and made sure all his paperwork was in order. He knew they would examine all his equipment and put his flying skills to the test. The examiner walked slowly around the sled. He checked the reindeer harnesses, the landing gear, and Rudolf's nose. He painstakingly reviewed Santa's weight and balance calculations for sled's enormous payload.
Finally, they were ready for the checkride. Santa got in and fastened his seatbelt and shoulder harness and checked the compass. Then the examiner hopped in carrying, to Santa's surprise, a shotgun.
"What's that for?" asked Santa incredulously.
The examiner winked and said, " I'm not supposed to tell you this ahead of time," as he leaned over to whisper in Santa's ear, "but you're gonna lose an engine on takeoff."
Mvg,
Dennis
