Het Moppen-Topic

Bij de bushalte
Er staat een lange rij bij de bushalte...
Vooraan staat een mooie meid in een behoorlijk krap minirokje..
Dan verschijnt eindelijk de bus. Als die mooie meid in wil stappen, krijgt ze haar been niet ver genoeg omhoog.
Meteen glijden haar handen naar de rits achteraan de rok, om haar minirok wat ruimer te maken.
Ze doet een tweede poging om in te stappen, maar ook dat lukt niet.
Weer glijden haar handen naar achter en prutst ze weer aan de rits.
Ze doet een derde poging om de bus in te stappen, maar... het lukt nog steeds niet!
Een beetje geïrriteerd glijden haar handen opnieuw naar achter en begint ze wat steviger aan de rits te sjorren.
Plotseling krijgt ze een duw, zodat ze bijna over het opstapje van de bus kukelt.
Als ze omkijkt, staat er een heer in driedelig pak haar een beetje pissig aan te kijken.
"Zou je misschien even normaal willen doen?" roept ze boos.
Zegt die heer geïrriteerd;
"Moet jij nodig zeggen, je hebt net drie keer mijn gulp opengemaakt...........
 
Een oudere dame stond aan de reling van een cruiseschip met beide handen haar hoed vasthoudend, zodat hij niet kon wegwaaien.

Een heer naderde haar en zei:"Excuseer me, mevrouw.
Ik wil niet vrijpostig zijn maar is het U niet opgevallen
dat uw kleed opwaait door de wind?"

"Ja, dat weet ik", zei de dame, "maar ik heb beide handen nodig
om mijn hoed op zijn plaats te houden."

"Maar mevrouw, U moet weten dat U geen broek draagt en dat uw onderlichaam is blootgesteld aan onbescheiden blikken", antwoordde de heer in alle ernst.

De mevrouw keek eens naar onder, dan naar de heer en repliceerde:

"Mijnheer, alles wat u daaronder ziet is 85 jaar oud...
maar mijn hoed is een nieuwe!”
 
Er komt een tijd dat een vrouw haar man gaat vertrouwen

Een vrouw komt 's avonds laat thuis van de kookclub. Heel zachtjes doet ze de deur van haar slaapkamer open. Onder de dekens steken 4 benen uit. Ze pakt een honkbalknuppel en begint zo hard als mogelijk op de dekens te slaan. Toen ze klaar was ging ze naar de keuken voor een glaasje port. Toen ze in de keuken kwam zag ze daar haar man die de krant zat te lezen. Hij zei; "hallo schatje, we slapen vannacht op de bank, want je ouders logeren hier. Dat vind je toch niet erg hè?”
 
Een echtpaar, 40 jaar getrouwd zijn samen aan het dineren. De vrouw is in een erg romantische stemming en fluistert tegen haar man: oh Harrie, ik ben weer net zo heet als vroeger!
De vent kijkt op en zegt dan: dat verbaast me niets want je tieten hangen in de soep!
 
Uit het www.wattflyer.com humor subforum.


What deep thinkers men are...

I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer.

The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking on various topics. Finally I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?

Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts. Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question.

Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion. A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "it might be nice to have another child."

On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts." I rest my case.

Time for another beer.


++++++++++++++++++

Happily married man.

Bill wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table.

He sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Bill looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you."

So he goes to the kitchen, and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Bill asks, "Son, what happened last night?"

His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious, broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door." Confused, Bill asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, "Lady, leave me alone, I'm a married man'!"


++++++++++++++++++

New salesman

A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job. The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Dakota."

Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor. "How many customers bought something from you today?" The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, "One". The boss says "Just one?!!? Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day.

That will have to change, and soon, if you'd like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida. One sale a day might have been acceptable in North Dakota, but you're not on the farm anymore, son."

The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?" The kid looks up at his boss and says "$101,237.65".

The boss, astonished, says $101,237.65?!? What the heck did you sell?" The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."

The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK!?" The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.'"


++++++++++++++++++
 
Laatst bewerkt:
A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of the exhibits they stopped at was the breeding bulls. They went up to the first pen and there was a sign that said, "This bull mated 50 times last year" The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said "he mated 50 times last year".
They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 120 times last year" The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."
They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters, "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband's ribs, said "That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one."
The husband looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow."


NOTE: The husband's condition is stable and he should eventually make a full recovery.
 
Een jongen gaat naar zijn voetbalclub en zet zijn fiets op het veld tegen een paal. Zegt de trainer, je kan je fiets daar niet laten staan, want we krijgen hoog bezoek. Vraagt de jongen, wie komt er dan? Zegt de trainer, de minister van sport en recreatie uit Marokko komt hier kijken. Oh, dat maakt niet uit, ik zet hem toch op slot.

Groetjes Hans.
 
helemaal geen moppen meer???!!!!

zitten 2 verpleegsters op terrasje
komt een man ongelukkig aangelopen
zegt ene verpleegster tegen andere:ik denk die man heeft wat aan zn knie
zegt de andere:ik denk iets aan zn rug
weet je wat zegt de andere:we wedden om 50 euro en vragen het gewoon
dus man komt langs terrasje en zij vragen aan die man:heeft u iets aan u knieen of uw rug??????
neen zegt de man
dus beide verpleegsters:ahhhhh we hadden het dus beide verkeerd gedacht
zegt de man:nou dan hebben we het alle 3 verkeerd gedacht
verpleegsters:hoezo alle 3 verkeerd gedacht????
de man zegt:nou ik had het ook verkeerd, ik dacht dat ik namelijk een windje moest laten,maar ik heb zo juist mn broek vol gescheten
 
Albert HEIJN heeft een volledig nieuwe supermarkt geopend in Merksem

Men heeft er o.a. een nieuwe 'waterverstuiver' geplaatst om in de afdeling 'groenten en fruit' alles zeer vers te houden. Kort voor de verstuiving hoort de klant het geluid van een donderslag en ruikt hij de geur van neergutsende regen.

Wie de afdeling 'zuivelproducten' betreedt, hoort de koeien loeien en snuift de geur van versgemaaid gras op.

In de afdeling 'vleeswaren' kan men het aroma van een lekkere steak met uien op de barbecue ruiken.

Wandel je door de gang waar 'eieren' verkocht worden, hoor je de kippen kakelen en komt de geur van gebakken spek en omelet je tegemoet.

En in de 'broodafdeling' worden al je zintuigen geprikkeld door het aroma van vers uit de oven gehaald brood en heerlijke gebakjes.

Hoe het ook zij.... ik ga mijn toiletpapier ergens anders kopen !
 
Words Of Wisdom

1. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.
2. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
3. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
4. To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot & love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all.
5. Married men live longer than single men - but married men are a lot more willing to die.
6. Any married man should forget his mistakes - there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
7. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
8. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change & she does.
9. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
10. There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage & after marriage.



PARAPROSDOKIANS are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently humorous. Winston Churchill loved them.

1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it's still on my list.
3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
8. They begin the evening news with 'Good Evening,' then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
10. Buses stop in bus stations. Trains stop in train stations. On my desk is a work station.
11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.
12. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'
13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.
17. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
18. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
19. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
20. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.
21. You're never too old to learn something stupid.
22. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
23. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
24. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
25. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
26. Where there's a will, there are relatives.
27. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but its getting harder and harder for me to find one now.
 
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An old, blind biker wanders into an all-girl bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, ‘Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?’
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
‘Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair that you should know five things about this bar:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl with a black-belt.
3. I’m a 6-foot tall, 180-pound blonde woman with PMS.
4. The woman sitting next to me is a blonde body-builder, jacked up on steroids.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, dude. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?’
The blind biker thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, ‘No…not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.'
 
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